The Young and the Hopelessly Insane
by phantomangel13
Summary: A new girl comes to Ouran and makes herself a mystery to them all with her tall and scary friend, demented pet and unstable mind. Rated T for swearing and some sexual references...
1. New Peep!

**WOOT! My first Ouran fic, so please don't make fun of me. :P It gets….. um, not marysueish, but fangirlish. Huzzah….**

Three 'o' clock, a young girl stood outside the doors of Ouran High School. She was relatively small, with large dark green eyes and waist length auburn hair. She held onto a large pile of books timidly. Finally, gripping the straps of her backpack tightly, she shouldered the door open.

She just managed to slip through before the heavy doors crushed her thin frame. Taking a deep breath, she walked up to a girl who was standing nearby. "Excuse me," She said as politely as possible, "but do you know where the rooms are I'm supposed to stay in one and-"

The girl sneered. "_Those_ rooms are for the professors kids."

Our small hero's mood darkened. "Yeah…. Well…. YOU'RE UGLY!" she screamed before dashing away.

The other girl blinked. "Okay… see you later then." She muttered.

* * *

Tamaki was busily ordering everyone around. "We're expecting exchanged students, so let's make the best of it."The twins willingly translated. "I.e. If you mess this up I'll kill you all." 

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!" Tamaki protested.

They could've kept this up for hours if a strange little red-haired girl hadn't ran screaming down the hallway screaming "RAPE!"

They all poked their heads out to see. "What's a rape?" Hunny asked innocently.

They all turned to him. "Uh……" no one really knew what to say.

"We'll tell you when you're older." Mori answered, surprising them all.

Kyouya walked into the room with his usual unreadable manner. "I must've startled one of the new students." He said coolly.

"Just startled?" Hikaru questioned.

"Or petrified?" Kaoru added.

Haruhi noticed the girl come in with a folding chair. "DIE PEDOPHILE!" she shrieked, swinging the chair madly. However, instead of hitting her target (Kyouya) she ended up hitting poor Tamaki, who collapsed to the ground after flying several feet.

The girl dropped the chair and covered her mouth. "Oh! Forgive me senpai." She ran over and helped him up. "I'm so sorry!" she wailed. She looked at the rest of the host club pleadingly.

She noticed Kyouya again. "ACK! Pervert!" she screamed, and fainted dead away.

They all stared at her thin crumpled body for a minute or two. "I think she's on drugs." The twins remarked randomly.

Haruhi shot them a warning look and knelt down by her. "Help me get her to a couch." She ordered.

Several hours later, the girl awoke. She sat up groggily. "Wha happened?" Her eyes widened. "Oh shit, did I black out?" she cried. She preformed a classic face-palm and stood up. "I'm really sorry to have bothered you guys, I'll leave."

She started for the door. Haruhi stopped her. "If it isn't too much to ask, who are you?" she blurted.

The girl stopped and turned to them. "My name is Ayame Sakura, I'm exactly five-foot four, I've got a nasty headache and I want to go to my room. Thank you." She continued out the door.

They all watched her leave, apart from Tamaki, who was still slumped on the opposite couch with an ice pack on his head. "We still say she's on drugs." The twins insisted, breaking the awkward silence.

Haruhi still seemed unsatisfied. "Those rooms are for the professor's children, right? I wonder…" she left the sentence dangling in the air.

Tamaki jabbed a finger in the air. "The mystery of the collapsing girl continues!" he proclaimed. He winced and slowly brought his arm down.

**Eh, it wasn't all that good. But it got the plot started, right? Oh well, review or I'll end up deleting it. BYE!**

**-phantomangel**


	2. Orange Fuzz of Death

**Thankies for the reviews! I won't delete it I guess… smile Anyways, I'm gonna introduce some new characters now, so be on the lookout. takes out spyglass CHIPS AHOY :P**

Haruhi had decided to try and find this 'fainting girl'. She followed the path that she had taken, but only ended up getting lost. (You'd be surprised at how large this school is!)

After wandering down several hallways, she paused. Somewhere, a high-pitched giggle rang through the corridors. She spun around and raced after where it had come from.

It echoed through again, sounding closer. She skidded to a halt and turned _that _way to follow it.

All of her twisting and turning led her to a janitorial closet. Another giggle emerged from behind its closed door.

Haruhi closed her hand around the knob and slowly, slowly, turned it.

"WAFFLES!" a strange orange blur screamed as it leapt onto Haruhi's head.

She screamed and reached up to untangle it from her hair. It squirmed and clawed at her.

She finally managed to yank it out, along with a fistful of hair. She was shocked to find a small orange fox in her hands.

It was about as big as a plush toy with beady blue eyes and a blank expression. On one paw was a crudely made sock puppet. It grinned at its captor.

"You're the waffle lady!" he announced.

Haruhi dropped it with another cry. "It talks!" she wailed.

The little fox nodded, it's large ears flapping. "YEP! I can sing my ADC's! ABCDmacaroni-cheese! HEY! I see a duck!" it pointed its sock puppet paw to the window.

Haruhi looked but didn't see anything. She desperately wished she could just shut it back in the closet.

She turned to it as calmly as possible. "And… what's you're name?" she asked with a voice dripping with sweetness.

The fox gave her another grin. _Uh-oh._ Haruhi thought.

The fox took a deep breath and began his speech. "HI! My name's Mort I'm two years old which is kinda old in fox years but not really this is my puppet Gertrude he's my best friend have you seen my mommy? She's taller then me but shorter then you and she's got red fur like me only darker and BIG green eyes and I loves her so much!" he finished by hugging himself.

Haru blinked. This thing must've come from hell, because it was torture.

The little thing hiccupped and a large soap bubble came out. "I was eatin' dish soap!" he giggled, and let forth several more bubbles.

Haruhi might've thrown it out the window if someone hadn't run in. It was our mysterious little Ayame. She gasped and ran over to the little annoyance.

"OH MY GOD MORT! Where the hell have you been? I've been all over the place looking for you!" she cried. Mort hiccupped, causing another soap bubble to protrude from his mouth. "Eating dish soap again I see." She commented.

Mort smiled and nodded enthusiastically. Ayame turned to Haruhi. She scrutinized her carefully. "You won't tell anyone about this, right?" she questioned harshly.

Haruhi nodded quickly. Ayame sighed. "Good. Come on Mort, we have a meeting to attend." And with that, she left Haruhi to wonder.

* * *

Tamaki had decided to do some spying of his own (with the help of the twins). They peeked through the crack in the door that lead to the Vice Principal's office. They found Ayame just sitting down next to a rather tall girl. (If it wasn't for the fact that she was wearing a boys uniform, they wouldn't have had to look again.)

"Now, understand girls, that I'm letting you in on very tedious reasoning." He informed them stiffly. "I'm not sure how long you can stay, but I hope to keep you here long enough to at least get a better education then you were back in America."

The taller girl straightened. "Thank you ojiisan." She said in a small voice.

The old man smiled. "You're welcome." He replied in a gentle tone. "Now run along you two, and study."

"Yahari." The two of them chorused obediently, and walked out the door. As they pushed it open, they sent the three eavesdroppers sprawling to the floor.

"AH!" the taller girl cried. She scowled at them. "Bastards! What are you three doing?"

Ayame put a hand on her arm. "Maru," she said softly. "please control yourself. They're from the Host Club I told you about." She looked sheepishly at Tamaki. "I think I hit him with a chair." She mumbled.

Maru laughed. Her short dark hair shook just above her shoulders with every giggle. "Sometimes I wonder how you got accepted into this school." She snorted.

She turned to the other three and extended an apologetic hand. "Terribly sorry." She said as she helped Tamaki to his feet. She offered her hand to the twins, but they got up themselves.

Ayame saw them and turned slightly pink in the face. If there was one problem with her personality, it was her inability to talk to handsome young men. She backed up into the wall. She bumped her backpack, and it wiggled.

"Is nap time over?" a high-pitched voice squealed.

Maru stared at her friend. "Oh no." she moaned. She turned back to the host club members. "You may want to duck." She advised.

She pushed them down on the floor just in time to save Tamaki from being hit by a lightning-fast ball of orange fuzz. They poked their heads up to see a tail dissapear down the hallway.

"Kuso!" Ayame muttered and ran after it.

**There! I decided to add a little Japanese in there cuz… I dunno, I felt like it. Here's what they all meant:**

**Ojiisan- Grandfather**

**Yahari- Of Course**

**Kuso- Shit **

**More later, bye!**


	3. Lots of Yelling

**WAH! I'm so glad I'm getting at least a few reviews! I'll continue with the story…**

Ayame chased her pet down the many hallways of Ouran High School. It ricocheted off the walls and doorways. _This is the last time I give him sugar._ She silently vowed, continuing to run.

As she was dashing to keep up with the menace, she happened to bump into Kyouya. He looked her over. "Oh, it's you again." He said coolly. He jotted down several things in his notebook.

Ayame's eyes widened. "PEDOPHILE!" she screamed. She tackled him and started whacking him over the head.

Kyouya winced at every blow, but tried to keep his cool. It was lucky that Hunny and Mori rounded the corner to find them.

Hunny pointed to Ayame. "Look! It's the rape girl!" he announced.

"Don't say that." Mori told him. They continued to watch the tussle.

Ayame yanked on Kyouya's hair. "DIE YOU BESPECTICALED DEMON FROM HELL!" she shouted.

Maru, Tamaki, Hikaru and Kaoru ran in. Maru gasped. "Ayame! What in hells name are you doing!?" she wrenched her friend off of Kyouya.

"I'm really sorry about her. I don't know what her problem is." Maru apologized as if her dog had gotten loose.

Ayame struggled against Maru's hold. "Let go!" she commanded. "He's a rapist! He DESERVES the pain!" she clawed at the air.

Maru threw a questioning glance in Kyouya's direction. "Why is he a rapist?" she asked.

Ayame stopped thrashing to think. "I dunno, he just looks like one." She replied.

The little fox walked back in. He was holding a snow cone. "Look what I got!" he proclaimed. "It's a duck!"

They all stared at him with annoyed expressions. "That's a snow cone." Tamaki informed him.

Mort stared at it. "Oh…." He said. That seemed to be all they would get out of him.

Maru pushed Ayame forward. "I can't believe you brought that thing with!" she snapped. "If my grandfather found out-"

"He won't." Ayame interrupted her.

Maru looked as if she might explode with rage. "How can he not find out…" she asked, her voice shaking with fury. "When the entire Host Club JUST SAW HIM WALK IN?"

Ayame turned to look at the Host club before her. She grinned in a wicked way. "Because, if they do I'll spill their little secret to everyone." She chuckled.

They all gave a start. "W-what secret?" Tamaki demanded.

She held her smirk firmly in place. "I think you know which one." She replied softly.

"The one where Tamaki still sleeps with his teddy bear?" the Twins wondered.

Tamaki shot them a death glare. "I do not!" he cried. "I just… it… NO I DON'T!" he quickly huddled into the 'corner of woe' position.

Ayame shook her head. "No, the one where HARUHI'S A GIRL!"

**HA! Suspense! I bet you're all wondering how she knew that (or how she even knew her name) But you'll just have to wait for the next chapter to find out! (Sorry if this chapter's kinda short, I'm crunched on time.)**


	4. Conflict

**Huzzah for fangirlness and the band They Might Be Giants. Just thought I'd give my favorite things a little shout-out. On with the story, yes?**

All of them stared at Ayame in disbelief. Tamaki was immediately snapped out of the corner of woe and ran up to her. "NO! You can't! No one can find out or people will think we're _sick!_ Is that what you want to happen? Huh?!"

Ayame just looked bored. "Who's to say people don't think you're sick already?" she retorted. "And I won't tell you're secret if you don't tell mine." She motioned to Mort as she said this. He was currently licking a hairbrush as if it were a large lollipop.

"I luvs hairballs." He sighed in-between licks.

Tamaki looked horrified. "That, that's MY hairbrush!" he exclaimed. "Give it back you little beast!" He lunged for his precious brush.

Mort dodged out of the way and ran down the hall with Tamaki in hot pursuit. Kyouya watched them go. "That's rather disgusting." He remarked. He jotted a few more things down in his notebook.

Ayame held up her finger. "I wasn't finished." She began. "In addition to keeping Mort a secret, the entire host club (minus Haruhi) will have to go to town with me and Maru for four days." She finished by smiling and sticking her tongue out.

The twins looked horrified. "What the hell do we have to do that for?" Hikaru demanded.

"Because I said so." Ayame replied simply.

Hunny jumped up in the air. "Hooray! We get to go to town with Ayame-chan!" he laughed in a sing-song voice. Mori seemed to care less.

"I still don't see why we have to go." Kaoru agreed with his brother.

Mori realized something. "How did you know Haruhi's name?" he asked.

Ayame replied, "It's actually a rather interesting story actually. You see, I was snooping through the perminant records this morning, and I happened to find her pretty profile. I was happy to see that she was not only a girl, but also part of the host club. I found it quite funny, and kept the information for blackmail."

Maru turned to her friend. "Why are you making them come to town with you? Are you on crack or something?" she hissed. "They can't just ditch school!"

Ayame shrugged. "Why not? It'll be fun. And as for them going, you'll see why if you come with." Maru scowled, not liking being out of the loop.

"Oh, and one last condition." Ayame piped up suddenly. She reached into her backpack and pulled out what looked like a collar. She quickly snapped it on Kyouya.

He gave her an annoyed look. "What's this for?" he asked.

Ayame put a hand in the air and recited, "All pedophiles are required to wear a shock collar until further notice." She pressed a small button attached to her backpack as a keychain.

To make a long story short, Kyouya was shocked with a high voltage of electricity.

The twins were laughing so hard they were crying. Ayame seemed to enjoy it as well. Kyouya, however, could've been a little better about it.

"HOW DARE YOU!" he shouted, getting up slowly. "My father will sue you for as much as you're worth!"

Ayame retorted, "Your daddy hits you too I bet. Good and hard."

Kyouya lunged at her, intent on hurting her. She pushed the button again and he was out cold.

Mort suddenly came back into the room, minus one hairbrush and Tamaki. "The Turkey man is in the closet and he kept calling me a little hairball from hell and so I locked the door." He babbled.

Everyone stared at him again. "He says that he locked Tamaki in the closet." Ayame translated.

Maru shook her head. "We'd better get back to the room before you put us in any more danger of expulsion." She said. "I talked my grandpa into letting you stay in one of the spare rooms."

"We have rooms here?" Hunny gasped.

Maru shrugged. "Well, sure. They're mostly for teacher's kids or kids who don't have a very good home life-"

"Like Kyouya." Ayame put in lightly.

"Hush up." Maru snapped. "Anyways, we stay at the school, considering the fact that our homes are in totally different countries…"

Ayame put her hands on her hips. "But Maru, I thought you said your parents were d-"

"I told you to hush!" Maru growled, cutting her off. She grabbed her friend by the arm and Mort by the tail and the three of them strode out.

The others stared after them. "We'll go get Mi'lord out of the closet." The twins said, leaving in the opposite direction.

Kyouya stood up. He looked like a terrible mess. He adjusted his glasses and made an attempt to straighten his glasses. "This girl is trouble." He growled softly.

**End! Finally! You won't believe how long it took me to get this thing done. Well, I'd better get moving. Mom's hovering over my shoulder and that's NEVER a good sign.**

**Until next time! -phantomangel**


	5. The Real Reason

**I'M FINALLY UPDATING!!! (does the dance of updated fanfics)**

Ayame was up bright and early the next day. She hopped over to Maru's room and pounded on the door. "GET UP!" she screamed. "We have Host Club Members to sneak out of school!"

Maru opened the door and glared at her friend with sleepy eyes. "Do I have to go?" she moaned.

"Yes." Ayame replied. "Now get dressed! I locked Mort in his kennel so he'll be fine while we're gone. You need to forge your grandfather's handwriting and write notes to the teachers in class A that they'll be gone."

Maru slammed the door shut.

* * *

A few minutes later, they were outside. Ayame did a quick head-count and nodded in satisfaction. "Well, I've been thinking." She started. 

"What a surprise." Maru muttered sarcastically.

Ayame ignored her and continued. "I've been thinking, and I decided you all deserve to know the real reason I'm here." She paused dramatically. "I am here to decide which of you must be paired with Haruhi."

Everyone stared at her. "Isn't that Haruhi's choice?" Kaoru protested.

Ayame shook her head. "But don't you see? She's had a whole semester to choose, and she _still_ doesn't know. I guess I'm here to be a… a matchmaker."

Tamaki looked mortified. "So… what have you decided?" he gulped.

Ayame tapped her chin. "Well, so far Kyouya and Hunny are out. Hunny would suit her better as a friend and Kyouya… well, he's just a rapist."

"But-" Kyouya started to argue, but was interrupted by a shock.

"Don't interrupt." Ayame said politely. "Anyways, the top two so far are Mori and Hikaru." She turned to Tamaki. "You're in dead last." She informed him.

He gaped at her. "WHY?!" he demanded.

"Because you're annoying." She replied. "That's why I'm bringing you all out here with me, so we can go through a series of tests. Hunny shall play Haruhi." Hunny looked pleased at the thought. "And the rest of you will do what you would do in that situation."

Maru looked around. "Let's just get out of here before someone sees us." She sighed.

**HA! Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? HA HA!!! You all thought she was a mary-sue, but SHE'S NOT!!! YEAH! I myself have no clue who Haruhi will end up with so… yeah. I guess I'll just play it by ear from here.**

**Until next time! **

** 3 phanty-chan**


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